Dear Therapist: We are currently getting our daughter tested for ADHD and I am beginning to think that I might also have ADHD even though I’ve never been diagnosed. I’m already in my 40s. Is it worth exploring my possible ADHD at this point in my life?

Dear ADHD Curious: It is common for parents to recognize their own ADHD when they are getting their kids tested. When you were a child, diagnosis for ADHD was much less nuanced. Unless you were a disruptively hyperactive child, you would probably have been off the radar.

I do think it’s worth exploring it for yourself. Understanding your own brain can be extremely helpful in living a better life. If you have ADHD, you are likely struggling in certain areas, or not obviously struggling but still using a LOT of mental energy to keep things afloat. Whether it’s house organization, managing time and appointments, eating, erratic emotions, confusion or detachment regarding emotions, fluctuations between high energy and no energy, sleep, being simultaneously drawn to busy and chaotic environment and exhausted by them, task switching, saying no when others ask for your time or energy, high sensitivity to rejection or disappointing others, vacillating between high confidence and self-loathing, ruminating after social interactions or the deep despair and frustration that comes from the gap between who you want to be/the life you want and the reality of yourself and your life… you might conclude that you are doing life wrong and that there’s something fundamentally wrong with you.

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When I work with clients with ADHD, especially those who discover it as adults, they often believe that if they just tried harder or read the right book or life hacks reddit thread, then these struggles would go away. The reality is that ADHD presents contradictions that aren’t solvable. You need a routine but you can’t do any routine for long. You want consistency but you aren’t consistent. You need more stimulation and you need less stimulation. You lack a filter but can’t stand hurting others. You are unstoppable but are unable to take a step forward.

By understanding all of this through the lens of an ADHD brain, you can learn to carry less self-blame and shame. You can begin to grasp that the wonderful parts of you, whether it’s your creativity or athleticism or passions or humor, are inseparable from your challenges. You may be able to move away from ‘what the heck is wrong with me’ and toward, ‘oh yeah, this is me.’

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You may find that the path to a better life is not about trying harder or finding the lost key to success. It’s about accepting these contradictions and doing the best you can to live with them, figuring out what works for you as a unique individual to manage life and then finding new strategies when the old ones stop working. It is about recognizing that life is noisy for you and that you don’t have to add to that noise by constantly criticizing yourself for falling short. It’s about owning your challenges and how they impact others and working with the people in your life to find creative ways to be a team.

So, ADHD Curious, if any of this rings true for you, start exploring for yourself. Maybe you have ADHD. Maybe you don’t. Regardless, the exploration process can help you to live your life with

greater self-awareness, help you to be a supportive parent to your child with ADHD and help you to be more compassionate toward anyone with ADHD.

Danielle B. Grossman, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, has worked with clients in the Truckee/Tahoe community for 20 years. She helps individuals and couples with their relationships, anxiety, grief, and struggles with food and addiction. Reach out at truckeecounseling@gmail.com or learn more at truckeecounseling.com