Dear Therapist: I’m stuck in an ongoing spiral of whether to end my relationship. I am frustrated and sick of the limbo.

Dear Stay or Go: While you haven’t provided specifics, I know that deciding whether to end a relationship can be a huge step with major consequences. There are usually heaps of mixed feelings and multiple ways of looking at the situation. It’s a lot of pressure, too, because only you can make the decision for yourself and because you have to trust yourself to make the choice. While trusting yourself to make this decision might sound simple, self-trust is actually an advanced skill that needs to be learned and practiced.

The first step in self-trust is accepting that there is no crystal ball or a magical intuitive signal that gives us the ‘right’ answer. The choice to stay or go is complicated and full of unknowables. If it were straightforward, you’d have decided already. This acceptance can free you from expecting a lightning bolt of clarity and open space to make as good a decision as possible amidst uncertainty and complexity.

The second step is awareness – learning what’s healthy or unhealthy for you and figuring out how you feel and where you’re at. What aspects of your relationship are good for you and what aspects are harmful? Why do you want to stay and why do you want to leave? Are you motivated to work on the relationship? Are you done but scared to leave? What would have to change in order for you to want to stay? It is only with this awareness that you can gather the data you need to move forward.

The third step is holding multiple different truths at once. In every decision, especially a major life decision that involves human relationships, there are serious pros and cons. But if you keep flip-flopping – ‘it’s a good relationship, it’s a bad relationship, I’m happy, I’m unhappy, I should leave, I should stay’ – you remain stuck and off balance. When you step back and look at the big picture – ‘these are the reasons to stay and these are the reasons to leave’ – you see the whole reality and can make a choice from a fully informed and stable perspective.

Lastly, in order to be truly free to make a choice, you need to feel capable of dealing with the consequences. Whether you stay or go, there may be negative self-judgements, judgment from others, financial or housing implications, and emotional impacts on you, your partner or your kids. There could be regret. Self-trust means trusting yourself to handle what comes, whether that’s by upleveling your capacity for the practicalities of life and for the distress of difficult emotions, getting better at advocating for yourself and asking for help, or refocusing on the present and taking things one step at a time.

If much of this feels out of reach at the moment, Stay or Go, don’t despair. Self-trust is a skill that most of us have to work on continually. Practices like journaling, counseling and experimenting with self trust in small day-to-day decisions all provide ways to build self-trust. None of it is easy. But, when you start experiencing trust in yourself, and getting unstuck, it can feel really powerful, and carry you through whatever comes next in your relationship.

Danielle B. Grossman, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, has worked with clients in the Truckee/Tahoe community for 20 years. She helps individuals and couples with their relationships, anxiety, grief, and struggles with food and addiction. Reach out at truckeecounseling@gmail.com or learn more at truckeecounseling.com